up

tangled
pain courses through me and I've shut down the sensors
every face I wonder about
every friend I could have had
every lover, every touch, caress

fear

when I wonder what it could have been
somehow I know I'm strong enough to know it's not me, not my fault
but that isn't enough
still there's more

lost and gone

never adult never child
limbo lost and gone
and I want to be…something
not lost

but something I can't even tell what
and it comes out in bursts of pain, awash with hot cold wet

tears

curled up in a corner

in a ball

under a table

sobbing quietly crying to myself so no one will hear
hoping someone will
and then I say it and it seems so passé, so blasé
but it's gone and wrenched from me and I cannot get it back
no matter how much I want to don't
because it might be you or you or

you

and every time I think about it I think "what if I'm wrong" which hurts
even more than "what if I'm right?"
and either way I don't know if I can deal with the answer
and either way I search and wrack my brains looking for someone's face

someone else

some answer that isn't there
and every movie I see or tv show or song or poem or book…
every time someone else can discover and say "yes" "Yes I know now" and I wish don't wish it was me who knew
and then I wish don't wish I could just get past it and it would never matter
but it does
and
I don't know what to do about it
and I just want to grow up
and move on
and be whole
and I'm

not.

Help me please
whoever you are
were
are
because I am

not