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- RachelAn excerpt from
"High, Lonesome Sound,"R. Morris ©1990
(Fade to MICHAEL sitting at table, vaguely reading a newspaper. ARI is moving around, making a salad. She is shredding lettuce. Several vegetables sit waiting to be cut)
ARI
--You are so full of shit!
MICHAEL
No, really. Jerry says a lot of women won't have sex with him once they see how big his dick is.
ARI
A lot of women won't have sex with Jerry once they see what an asshole he is.
(she starts cutting tomatoes up)
MICHAEL
I've seen it.
ARI
Seen what?
MICHAEL
His dick.
ARI
--And?
MICHAEL
A veritable horse ... really, I saw it at the gym.
(he picks up the cucumber from the table)
Bigger than this, at least. You couldn't take it.
ARI
(grabbing the cucumber away from him)
When I find the man who's even close to that size, I'll let you know.
MICHAEL
There's always Jerry.
ARI
Uhuh.
(she picks up a small carrot and brandishes it at him)
And then there's you.
MICHAEL
Ooo! Mortal wound!
ARI
(painstakingly peeling the carrot in long, slow strokes to punctuate her speech)
--of course a carrot stays hard for more than ten minutes--
(she bites off the end of the carrot with a sharp crunch and spits it out. She goes back to cutting the vegetables, he tries to read his paper for a moment but can't)
MICHAEL
(looking up, very serious)
Am I big enough for you?
ARI
(laughing)
What?
MICHAEL
Am I big enough for you. I mean, you could take Jerry would you like it if I were bigger?
ARI
You're a moron. What, an extra inch or two is gonna change your life?
MICHAEL
Well, I'm just thinking of you...
ARI
You are not. You're complaining about how you measure up next to a horse. Who cares if it's five or five and a half, hard? It's still only a one shot phaser.
(seeing his agonized look and relenting)
Oh, jeez, Michael. It's not your dick I'm sleeping with, it's you.
MICHAEL
But I'd turn you on more if it were bigger?
ARI
(honestly)
I have no idea.
MICHAEL
What do you mean?
ARI
What do you mean, what do I mean? I've slept with guys who were bigger than you who didn't turn me on as much, and I've slept with guys who were smaller than you who--um, what kind of dressing do you want on your salad?
MICHAEL
You were gonna say some guys turned you on more than me, weren't you?
ARI
Um, no. Dressing'?
MICHAEL
It was Randy, wasn't it? Just because he'd make it four or five times a night, and I don't. That's who you were thinking about, wasn't it? Well, I haven't heard you complaining too hard about services rendered.
ARI
I don't exactly go into heat at the sight of you in a pair of crotchless undies.
MICHAEL
(drawing her in and running his hands over her body)
Hey, I never said you had to wear those things. And how do you know? You've never seen me in a pair of crotchless undies. Just wait till you see the garter belt ensemble.
ARI
(playing)
Elastic or old-fashioned hook with fishnets?
MICHAEL
Which do you prefer, my darling love Chihuahua?
ARI
(laughing)
Love Chihuahua?! I wasn't aware of this little fetish of yours.
MICHAEL
(nibbling at her)
Ah, but you have so much to learn, oh frou-frou of my dreams.
ARI
I'm the 'excessive ornateness' of your dreams?
MICHAEL
Oy. I would pick an English teacher.
ARI
I guess that means I'm too much for you, eh?
MICHAEL
Definitely too much chihuahua for me.
ARI
How did we go from Jerry's dick to Chihuahuas in garters and fishnets?
MICHAEL
You started it.
ARI
That's not the point.
MICHAEL
Then what is?
ARI
(starting a game)
I bet I bet I can turn you on without touching more than four square inches of your body. Your choice.
MICHAEL
(pouting)
Oh, so now I'm reduced to four square inches?
ARI
Not that four square inches ... any other four square inches. Think of baseball all you want, I can still do it.
MICHAEL
No way.
ARI
(brandishing another carrot)
Choose your target, bucko!
MICHAEL
This is stupid.
ARI
What, you don't think you've got the willpower?
MICHAEL
Fine. My arm.
ARI
(starting to tease with her voice)
Ooo, and you're sooo sensitive right there in the curve of your elbow--
MICHAEL
(hastily)
--uh, no my stomach ... no, my face. Yeah. My face.
ARI
Any particular part?
MICHAEL
(magnanimous)
Ladies' choice.
ARI
(putting down vegetables and wiping her hands off)
Okay.
(running her forefinger in a two by two square that encompasses his ear)
Here.
(he winces from her touch then controls himself. She holds up her first finger)
One finger.
(he nods assent)
Close your eyes. Concentrate on that baseball game, now.
(as he closes his eyes, she licks her finger and starts running it around his ear very gently)
Let me tell you about a fantasy I've always had about you, Michael. Nobody I've been with would get into it the way you would .... we're at a party at Andy's place...the whole gang's there. It's pretty crowded. You're hanging out with the guys. I'm dancing. That's your one downfall ... you don't dance. But Alan's there, so I'm dancing with him. He's a good dancer-great hips--he really moves around. I'm learning how to Lambada having a lot of fun riding around on his thigh. He's got a hard on. I can feel it. He tucks to the left. There I am, just riding up and down on Alan's leg ... up and down, up and down. I wish you liked to dance. Your hard-ons are much more fun to rub. When the dance ends we come off the floor. Alan heads straight to the bathroom
(pause)
I move over toward where you're sitting, off in a corner of the room. You look good tonight. A little tired, a little spacey, but sexy. Rumpled sexy. You've been watching Beth.
MICHAEL
(eyes still closed, guiltily)
I don't--
ARI
(ignoring his interruption)
--You seem particularly taken by the outfit she's wearing--one of those dresses that only stays up when her nipples are hard. Stop staring, for God's sake. Standing in front of you with my hands behind my back I say 'Close your eyes and put your hands out, I have a present for you!' You look at me funny but you do it. Lifting my skirt so it doesn't get tangled, I straddle you. Alan probably knew, and now you find out ... no panties. All night. I lean over to kiss you and start nibbling on your ear, running my tongue in and out, sucking at the lobe Feel how hot and wet I am? I tell you to unzip it ... I want to fuck your brains out in front of all our friends they won't even know--
(she stops suddenly, pulling her finger away)
--What's the score?
MICHAEL
(eyes still closed, dazed and still caught up in the imagery, his hands over his lap)
Hmm?
ARI
The score. Who's winning the baseball game?
MICHAEL
(quickly, to cover)
Oh, uh, yeah, right, um, the Mets. Yeah. Five to one. Runners on, uh, first and third.
ARI
I told you.
MICHAEL
Told me what?
ARI
Any four square inches.
MICHAEL
(too quickly, closing his eyes again and putting her finger to his face)
Nuh-uh. Didn't work. Keep trying.
ARI
(laughing)
You're so full of shit!
MICHAEL
Nope. Didn't work. Let's go.
ARI
(enjoying the game)
Shmuck. Close your eyes.
MICHAEL
It's not gonna work ... really.
ARI
Right. Where was I?
MICHAEL
(immediately)
Hot and wet ... in front of all our friends.
ARI
Hot and wet.
(she starts running her finger around his ear again)
Right. You're already halfway there. I'm rocking back and forth to get you really hard. I suck on your neck, lick your lips, your eyelids probably no one's looking, except maybe Beth or Alan I sit up and position myself on top of you. I wait a moment ... teasing you. Suddenly I thrust onto you ... I can't ride you the way I would if we were alone. Instead I have to clench and unclench and rotate in little circles in time to the music so no one catches us. I squeeze my thighs together ... you're getting closer, I can tell. Your hand under my dress is rubbing at me at us and right before you come--
(stopping abruptly again)
--I climb off you because you're not big enough to keep me happy!
MICHAEL
(opening his eyes suddenly)
Hey!
ARI
(grinning at him)
Gotcha!
MICHAEL
(grabs her and pulls her to him, fiercely)
Fuck you!
ARI
(straddling him)
I thought you might have something like that in mind.
MICHAEL
Shut up.
(he kisses her passionately, standing up with her as she remains wrapped around his waist. He walks her into the bedroom)
ARI
(as they exit)
What about dinner?
MICHAEL
(muffled)
Fuck dinner.
(lights fade to signify time passage. Lights come up dimly on ARI asleep in the bedroom. MICHAEL sits hunched at the computer in the living room, lit by a single desk lamp, typing with great ferocity. After a moment, lights fade)